Slaves by Dror Mishori- Autistic artist

Dear Avigail,
My husband, Seymour, and I are thinking of making a move to Babylonia. Seymour is a landscaper and has heard about Nebishthenezzer's Gardens. Perhaps he can find lucrative work there; there are only so many cactus centerpieces you can sell to the caterers ... and, between you and me, artificial plants die on him. The problem is that I am afraid of making changes, of going away from my tent. There have been rumors of leaving Egypt, but I also have a bladder problem and need to be near a ladies' room. I want to help my husband. What should I do?Signed,
Planted in Egypt

Dear Planted,
Funny you should mention Babylonia. My cousin, Evelyn Polotsky, heard about the exile from Egypt which was called for that very same day at 5pm. Ultimately, plans were cancelled at the last minute because it coincided with rush hour. However, assuming it was a definite go, she immediately tried to plan for the event. First, she cancelled her coveted nail appointment with Sergio from Assyria. Then she made a list and hurried to the registration tent; she wanted a good place to stand, preferably in the front of the line. Then she hurried to the post office to fill out a change of address card so her mail would be forwarded to the wilderness. She also wanted to go to the ATM to change her money from Egyptian currency. There was no line as slaves carry very little paper on them. She was hesitant to depend on plastic, not knowing which credit cards would be accepted there. She asked Moses what to expect when they left Egypt. He reflected and said, "Don't expect Las Vegas." As she entered the bank, she wasn't sure which line changed monies. She went up to a teller who politely answered, "Now you want to change money? What were you doing all day? Trying to suck up the desert in a dustbuster?" Evelyn acknowledged the new customer service approach - much friendlier, more judgmental, like family. She nodded to herself in approval. The teller, without lifting her asp to help, directed her to an empty line. Evelyn was quick to notice that there was no teller either. She waited patiently for a whole five minutes before returning to the first teller. Evelyn timidly approached her and asked if she knew whether the money changer was out to lunch or what? The teller gave Evelyn a stare that could have been mistaken for Plague #11. "She called in sick this morning." Evelyn made a mental note to say a" refuah shleima"* for her, and hurried out. She wished she had time to take a test drive and find a shortcut to New Canaan, but it seemed a "no-can-do"..

Since news of the exodus, there was a lot of pillaging and looting in the streets; Hebrews against Egyptian taskmasters, Hebrews against their mothers-in- law, Egyptians against Egyptians, and the Irish against anyone, just for sport. She ducked into the souvenir shop, which was the last stop before the Red Sea. She figured she would pick up a few "chachkas" for the grandkids to remember Egypt by: little woven baskets with baby Moses inside, plastic pyramids with the Sphinx, trading cards with all the Egyptian gods and goddesses; Charades (in hieroglyphics) and a Junior Science Home Embalming Kit. She also filled her basket with snacks made of straw and mud, low in fat, high in fiber. On the checkout line she reflected on her life in Egypt. She felt empowered by her career as a bricklayer although there was no room to advance - only a lateral move to straw-gathering. She was even toying with the idea of becoming a caregiver to the Pharaoh's cats, but her asthma would have become an issue.
The advice I have to give you: Evelyn Polotsky could have acted like an ant - racing around in circles only to butt antennae with other hysterical ants, creating an epidemic of vertigo. But she accepted CHANGE with childlike wonder and enthusiasm. However, she did try to foresee trouble, to make the transition easier. She threw caution out with the coffeemaker, convinced that the electric current would not be compatible. She left Egypt with "Hashem's" blessings and a great insurance policy, while her husband, bent over with the unhealed lashes of a whip and recurring sciatica, carried a knapsack with a change of underwear and a small bag of non-perishables. Evelyn and the crew trusted Moses to lead them out of Egypt to the Great Unknown, although Moses had a map with arrows pointing, "you are here”. (He was known to have trouble getting out of his parking lot.)
And as the innocent children looked back in terror as the Egyptian army advanced, they rushed to Moses and chanted:" Are we there yet, Uncle Mo, are we there yet, huh, are we there yet?"

 

*"refuah shleima" - Jewish prayer to get well so that the stricken one can pay back a loan.
"
chachka" - souvenir or gift which recipient puts in a "re-gift" drawer

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About the author

Shashi Ishai

Shashi Ishai started out as a stand-up comedienne in her one-woman performance piece - CONFESSIONS OF AN EX-PURIM QUEEN. Humorist/cartoonist from Teaneck, N.J., USA. She is currently working on a coll...
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