Illustration by Denis Shifrin

Dear Avigail,

I am afraid to go to sleep because sometimes my dreams come true.  For example, one night, I dreamt that my mother-in-law came to spend the weekend with us. It was only supposed to be for three days, but she brought an entire caravan of camels and a complete set of plastic food containers with matching, color-coded lids. In my dream I began to hyperventilate while my mother-in-law held a brown paper bag just outside my reach. She laughed and then coughed up a hairball (does this mean that I think she is "catty"?).  I must have screamed because my husband, Mel, woke me up.  I told him my dream and he scoffed at me. He told me that it was just a dream, and to lay off the bedtime mannamars[1]and milk.  But Avigail, I know the dream was trying to warn me about something, and I just can't figure out what - can you help me?

Nocturnal Na'ima

 

Dear NN,

You may have a point there. I am no interpreter of dreams, but I need to ask you a few questions. In your dream you mentioned a complete set of plastic food containers with matching, color-coded lids.  What color were the lids? Were they for meat, dairy or parve?[2]

If they were parve, this would describe your personality as non-confrontational.   You can blend in with any nation ending in "ites" (Hitites, Amalakites, Mites, Mitenites).

Also, the paper bag your mother-in-law held out while you were gasping for air - did you notice if it had a hole in it? This might indicate that your mother-in-law has some passive/aggressive issues with you.  Had she put a plastic bag over your head we might have seen a more confrontational pattern here. Either way, a good heart-to-heart is in order, preferably a distance from your kitchen knives and olive press. 

Here is an inspirational story, however, to ease your fears.

 

In a suburb of Babylonia, near the university, lived a humble scholar named Daniel. He rented a room but had kitchen privileges.  He mostly studied, but when the rent was due he interpreted dreams for his neighbors. Since he wanted return customers, the outcomes were always positive and optimistic even in the case of imminent death.  In his spare time he liked to get together with his academic chums and ponder G-d and the universe. For instance, in Psalm 23, The Lord's Prayer, when it was written .."He set a table before thine enemies" was it a catered buffet or sit down? was it festive paper plates or a full set of Rosenthal? did the enemies include disgruntled post office workers?" These guys were renowned for their collective genius and argued until the owner of the cafe chased them out. They had sat through many a lengthy discourse at the cafe's only table during the peak pillage hours. The students shared one teabag and laughed at their abject poverty while the Bored of Health gave the owner a citation for encouraging Egyptian cats to become early bird specials. It goes under the ordinance 11:20 that thou shalt not eat anyone else's god.

Meanwhile, the King of Babylonia, Nebishthenezek[3] had had a bad dream and woke up hysterical. He told his personal secretary to assemble all the prophets, all the diviners and magicians in the land, and to meet in the gym at 3pm. He advised his guests to wear loose, comfortable clothing. And so, word went out, some by chariot, some by phone text.  The King put out coffee with non-dairy creamer.  He was noted for his lavish hospitality although, after teatime he sometimes butchered his guests, disappointed with the Danish they brought.

He relayed his dream. There appeared before him a giant statue made of many different materials.  The statue seemed to be human and his head was made of solid gold (not gold-plated). His facial features were represented by precious jewels culled from the earth by slaves from different nations to whom the king gave moist, scented towelettes to mop their sweaty brows.  Suddenly, one of its eyes proved to be zircon, although a very fine imitation! One of the slaves feigned pregnancy and was caught trying to hide the giant gem under his sweatshirt.  The cruel taskmaster retrieved the diamond and got a store credit when he returned the sweatshirt. The statue's torso was made of copper. Its legs and foundation were made of fabstone, a synthetic material stronger than granite or marble - you can actually cut vegetables on it and it won't leave a mark! Each toe was carved out of mahogany and the toenails were stained hot magenta. Its manhood shone in dazzling tanzanite, changing its hue from sky blue to Liz Taylor violet (along the lines of a mood ring). 

Suddenly, huge boulders jettisoned from the neighboring mountain like a one-day outlet sale and brought the statue down. The ankles buckled and the knees caved in. The entire structure lay in a heap of dust and pebbles. Then the King woke up and his polyester pajamas clung to his body in tepid sweat (albeit, they were not wrinkled).

Upon his usual breakfast of 3% cottage cheese, rye toast and an entire wild boar (skin removed), the King lamented and flung his fork at the waiter, threatening him with a lame tip. He was still shaking, not from low blood sugar, but from the fact that none of his potent soothsayers was able to decipher his dream. He tried to relax after breakfast, feeding the last of his wizards to his pet python (the wand gave it such heartburn that it swore off alchemy indefinitely).

Word came from the kingdom that there was a gifted interpreter of dreams who was willing to take a stab at it. The King invited him for the next day, but warned him that he would take a stab at him if he proved to be a charlatan. 

The bold lad's name was Daniel. He was so pious that he separated his garbage from milk and meat and waited five hours before he threw it out.  He prayed to Hashem to give him the right answer because he felt a skewer would not do his image justice. He spoke from experience as he once wore a thong.

He met King N at the 'Beast of Burden' and ordered beer and flayed fish as an appetizer. Suddenly Daniel felt woozy. He was gnawing on the fish head and not one inspirational idea came to mind. He excused himself from the King's presence, dabbed his chin with his loincloth and made haste to the men's room. When he opened the door he found himself inside a foul-smelling cave. There were urinals alongside the cave's walls with primitive drawings above them, some with 800 toll-free numbers. Then a lion appeared from one of the caves and spoke to Daniel. He instructed the quivering student to look at the left wall and read the blazing cryptic message, first with the left eye, then with the right. The lion assured Daniel that there was no need to fear him; he had just come from the Roman Colisseum where he had had lunch…with relish. Daniel squinted at the wall. It was an apology from the management to please pardon the appearance of the cave as it was undergoing divine transformation. The message yielded the meaning of the dream, and with a triumphant flush Daniel returned to the table in hopes that the King would pick up the check.

Daniel confidently spoke to the King, ready to interpret his dream. He used graphs, a consumer's manual and manically gestured as he needed the exercise. "Let me tell you what your dream really means", he said. Daniel concluded with a short interpretive dance about picking the first fruits and marketing them for general consumption. The King was so impressed with Daniel that he even bought a life insurance policy from him. He offered Daniel a 'cushy' court job, but Daniel refused it, citing that he could not take credit, that Hashem used him as a vessel. However, a small retainer fee might be appropriate as well as a referral to the Babylonian Apnea clinic.

So you see, NN, there is nothing to fear except for the possibility that your chariot will be towed in a non-violent zone.


[1] Mannamars??? 

[2] parve - Jewish law of eating kosher. Something you can serve with either a meat or dairy meal, like a napkin.

 

[3] Nebishthenezek - a Babylonian King who had a whimsical penchant for gardening and murdering. In Yiddish, "nebish" is someone you pity, as long as he is not  dating your daughter; "nezek" is Hebrew for damage.

 

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About the author

Shashi Ishai

Shashi Ishai started out as a stand-up comedienne in her one-woman performance piece - CONFESSIONS OF AN EX-PURIM QUEEN. Humorist/cartoonist from Teaneck, N.J., USA. She is currently working on a coll...
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