Look out, she’s behind you!
The hit-and-run victim was just getting to his feet when a policeman ran up to help. “My mother-in-law just tried to run me over!” the shaken man told the cop. “The car hit you from behind,” the officer said. “How could you tell it was your mother-in-law?”
“I recognized the laugh!” he replied.
A touch of class
“An abstract noun,” the teacher said, “is something you can think of, but you can't touch it. Can you give me an example of one?”
“Sure,” young Johnny replied. “My father’s new car.”
Ouch – this wasn’t the ‘write’ thing to say
A couple just started their Lamaze class, and they were given an activity requiring the husband to wear a bag of sand to give him an idea of what it feels like to be pregnant. The husband stood up and shrugged saying, “This doesn't feel so bad.” The instructor then dropped a pen and asked the husband to pick it up. “You want me to pick up the pen as if I were pregnant, the way my wife would do it?” the husband asked.
“Exactly,” replied the instructor.
To the delight of the other husbands, he turned to his wife and said, “Honey, pick up that pen for me.”
Submitted by Zvi Shevach
Laws unto themselves
Law of the Theaters & Sports Arenas:
At any event, the people whose seats are furthest from the aisle, always arrive last.
They are the ones who will leave their seats several times to go for food, beer, or the toilet and who leave early before the end of the performance or the game is over.
The folks in the aisle seats come early, never move once, have long gangly legs or big bellies and stay to the bitter end of the performance.
The aisle people also are very surly folk.
Murphy’s Law of Lockers
If there are only two people in a locker room, they will have adjacent lockers.
Law of Physical Surfaces
The chances of an open-faced jelly sandwich landing face down on a floor are directly correlated to the newness and cost of the carpet or rug.
Law of Logical Argument
Anything is possible IF you don't know what you are talking about.
Law of Physical Appearance
If the clothes fit, they're ugly.
Children Are Quick
Teacher: Why are you late?
Student: Class started before I got here.
Teacher: John, why are you doing your math multiplication on the floor?
John: You told me to do it without using tables.
Teacher: Glenn, how do you spell ‘crocodile?’
Teacher: No, that’s wrong
Glenn: Maybe it is wrong, but you asked me how I spell it.
Teacher: Donald, what is the chemical formula for water?
Donald: H I J K L M N O.
Teacher: What are you talking about?
Donald: Yesterday you said it's H to O.
Teacher: Winnie, name one important thing we have today that we didn't have ten years ago.
Teacher: Glen, why do you always get so dirty?
Glen: Well, I'm a lot closer to the ground than you are.
Teacher: George Washington not only chopped down his father’s cherry tree, but also admitted it. Now, Louis, do you know why his father didn’t punish him?
Louis: Because George still had the axe in his hand.....
Teacher: Now, Simon, tell me frankly, do you say prayers before eating?
Simon: No sir, I don't have to, my Mum is a good cook.
Teacher: Clyde, your composition on ‘My Dog’ is exactly the same as your brother’s. Did you copy his?
Clyde: No, sir. It’s the same dog.
Teacher: Harold, what do you call a person who keeps on talking when people are no longer interested?
Harold: A teacher.
While acquainting myself with a new elderly patient, I asked,
‘How long have you been bedridden?’
After a look of complete confusion she answered:
‘Why, not for about twenty years - when my husband was alive.’
Submitted by Dr. Steven Swanson