Illustration by Denis Shifrin

I travel around by bus. I like it. In theory, I like it a lot. No costly outlay, no upkeep, no expensive repairs, no devaluation, no worries about parking. Yes indeed, bus is best. And since I like to read while travelling, the journey to my office flies by – in theory.

Take the bus itself. One of those newish, cute blue and white mini styles  seating 14. Sleek - in theory. In practice, the suspension is most notable by its absence, and not only does my regular journey take the longest possible route on the road-less-travelled where almost no one gets either on or off, but on the #6 bus the journey takes around 35 minutes followed by a 10-minute walk  (by car, home to office takes  around 15 minutes). Upon alighting the feeling is like how it must feel to be shaken like a cocktail, but hey, I really don't mind. I did ask one of the drivers about the suspension and he replied with a twinkle, 'Tov le hovala! '  (Good for removals!)

I'm a quiet person, not a morning person - but not a night-time person either. I'm the bit-in-the-middle type person, so when I get on the bus and the driver is tuned in to his favorite radio program, and the GPS (at full volume) importantly announces every stop – (please, do we really need this?), the icing on the cake is – the ubiquitous cell phones. So noisy, so intrusive, and such an assault on the ears. Did I mention that I'm hypersensitive to noise? And do people really need to make constant contact? I remember years ago when smoking was allowed in public areas, including on the buses. If laws can be passed outlawing public smoking, couldn't a similar ban be applied to cell phones?

One morning my irritation level was reaching a no-go zone since a lady in front of me was happily singing along to the tune playing on the radio. I was silently fuming, wishing the lady into kingdom come, or at least that she would soon reach her destination and get off  the bus, when, just as I thought the situation couldn't get any worse, the driver, bless him, joined in the singing! I was speechless but not soundless. The hysterical laughter that burst from my lips fortunately stunned the two songbirds into silence and so we continued trundling along our way in relative quiet.

Then there are the passengers…. The very personable, sandy haired Jonathan is friendly and helpful and somehow manages to make the acquaintance of all regulars, both passengers and drivers. He's always ready with a smile and a joke (often risqué and I'm not a morning person) and he often accompanies me on the 10-minute walk from the bus to the office. He also has a habit of introducing me to some of the other passengers, one of whom, a very attractive Jewish American Princess, was here in Israel for a year-long period while her husband was studying. She's a natural beauty -  long shiny black curls, flawless skin – another thing I really don't need to be looking at in the early mornings - and yes, boy am I jealous! One day she mentioned that she and her husband were planning an afternoon cocktail party for a dozen of her husband's colleagues. This apparently was quite a big deal for her, and she told me that she had asked her mother to come and help. I was a bit surprised, since it didn't sound like that much of a big deal to me, but hey, she's only in her twenties. She then told me that her mother had refused. JAP was quite put out by the refusal and so I did feel a bit sorry for her, and sympathized. It was only then that she mentioned that her mother lives in New Jersey in the US of A…….

Long distance bus journeys have their problems too. From time to time, after Shabbat, I return from the north by bus when, frequently, the buses are crowded. On one such occasion when I got on the bus it wasn't completely full but, in fact, all the seats were occupied. The back  rows of the bus were taken up by a group of teenagers. On the back row itself two large youths were sprawled out, fast asleep. As there were no other seats available I approached them, only to be told by one of their friends sitting in front of them to 'leave them alone, they're tired'. Well, excuse me! I replied, 'They may be tired but I would like a seat'. With much reluctance and grumbling, the group rearranged itself so that I could sit down. What happened afterwards was much more interesting. At each stop several passengers got on the bus. It was amusing to note that women of all ages had no problem requesting the group of lazy teens to make space for them, but when it came to the male passengers, it was a completely different story. Not one man requested a seat, but  apparently  preferred to stand rather than be confrontational.

Another lesson I've learned when travelling by bus is that, usually, I don't have to stand. Since becoming a senior citizen I'm at an age when I'm no longer affronted by being offered a seat and am not at all happy about having to stand, especially on long journeys. But there's rarely a need. On a crowded bus I am almost always offered a seat immediately – and always by young women, often soldiers. Mostly, the young (and older) men studiously look through the window, and even if they actually glance my way, they rarely offer their seat.

One evening when it was pouring down, a couple of teenage girls were giggling and shrieking at the bus stop. When the bus arrived they couldn't get on fast enough, tripping over their feet in their haste to get out of the deluge. The driver quipped: 'Banot, zeh rak geshem, zeh loh milchama!'  (Girls, it's only rain, it's not war!)

The Dan Bus Company's No. 100 bus offers an appealing Hop On-Hop Off panoramic tour service of Tel Aviv - Jaffa in an open-air tourist bus that stops at some 26 stations along the route. The bus is equipped with a sound system, and a detailed audio tour is provided in 8 languages: English, Russian, French, Hebrew, German, Arabic, Spanish and Italian. Earphones are supplied. This enables visitors to learn the history of the White City and visit Tel Aviv's most important cultural sites and tourist attractions. Passengers can get on and off the bus throughout the tour’s operating hours (except passengers who bought single-ride excursion tickets). Tours leave from the Reading Terminal Bus Station.

The best jokes – in my humble opinion – are the Irish ones, so what could be better than an Irish bus joke?

Mick and Paddy were walking home from the pub.
Mick says to Paddy, 'I can't be bothered to walk all that way.'
'I know,' says Paddy, 'but we've no money for a cab and we've
missed the last bus home.'
'We could steal a bus from the depot,' Mick suggests.
They arrive at the bus depot and Mick tells Paddy to go in
and get a bus while he keeps a lookout.
After shuffling around for ages, Mick shouts, 'Paddy, what are ye doing?
Have ye not found one yet?'
Paddy shouts back, 'I can't find a No. 91.'
Mick says 'Oh, ye thick sod, take the No. 14 and we'll walk from the park.'

Sybil Levin, originally from the U.K., works as a legal secretary for a firm specializing in Intellectual property law.  She enjoys writing poetry and short articles.