Photo Credit: http://www.flickr.com/photos/twobears2/5763372917/sizes/m/

I LOVE courtroom dramas and I don’t care whether it’s a movie or a book. Sure I know the way it goes - the feinting and sparring of the opposing sides, the clever lawyer, the wily criminal, the puzzling crime - but still it enthralls me. The form demands the appearance of an expert witness. If you’re watching, at three in the morning, the centuries old “Law and Order” you will note that both sides have their professional maven to put on the stand - the guy or gal whose honesty is unimpeachable and with one devastating fact or statistic will blow the other side’s case to smithereens. Being a person of high moral standards I believe everyone should have a fair trial. Now there are practically no areas in which I could offer myself as an expert witness. According to my three sons - not even as an expert mother. The only facet of my life that I can offer myself as an expert is as a writer. Okay, I agree we’re not startling criminals, other than taking an extra coin out of the parking ticket machine, we’re not even stellar embezzlers. But when it comes to words, sentences, phrases, we can cause more mayhem than Jack the Ripper. So I have printed business cards: WRITER - Willing to appear as expert witness. Self-advertising can be crude and immodest but here and now I present myself ready and able to be an expert witness in the defense of any and every writer. Whatever the charge - unconvincing felony in a novel or misdemeanor committed with incorrect grammar - this is life or death for the writer’s psyche. Yes, the person charged with murdering the language, writing tales of unacceptable fantasy, or presenting in fifteen chapters a method of weight management that scorns all doctors will now have an expert witness to bolster their case. Here I am - a wordsmith, a crafter of sentences, a recognized storyteller (note that wide recognition is the calling card of all expert   witnesses) - available at a moment’s   notice, ready to fly or drive to any   courthouse, in any jurisdiction. I guarantee   to supply facts and figures that will knock   any reviewer, librarian, or reader out of   the witness box, because I am the expert   witness.   How will I do it? Here’s how:   

1) I will supply figures on the number of times a particular metaphor was used in a range of genres - mystery, romance,   fantasy, or any other literary form.   

2) I will justify, by example, the rampant use of stereotypes (the evil stepmother, the greedy butler, the dumb blonde, the comeback kid). Let me tell you every judge and jury is bowled over by my closing statement - “Is not imitation the sincerest form of flattery?  "

3) I will forcefully demonstrate that there are only three basic plots in literature and will use the Bible and the Greek   dramatists as my case clinchers.   

4) I will disparage any publisher’s claim that the contested work was of a puny length by reading from the world classics: Aesop and Mother Goose.   Writers see themselves as unique cultural figures as did Bonnie and Clyde, the Brinks Robbers, and Al Capone.   Didn’t they have legal representation, including expert witnesses? Of course, because the lack of an expert witness at a trial is like serving the main course without sauce or vegetables. Writers must not shy away from defending  themselves, must not fear revealing their trade secrets, and above all, must not allow the thievery of their ideas. Every   verb, noun, adjective and adverb has its defense. Every genre, blurb, or embossed book cover can be validated and every writer can hold his or her head up high in any court in the land.   If you are a writer or know a writer who needs an expert witness Dial 1-   800-ANON. I offer a half-hour of free advice for any writer of any form of writing being legally threatened.   Remember where there’s a word - there’s a way. See you in court!