The New Alphabet

A is for Apple, and B is for Boat.That used to be right, but now it won’t float!

Age before Beauty is what we once said, but let’s be a bit more realistic instead.

Now:

A’s for Arthritis;

B’s  the bad back;

C is the chest pains, perhaps car-d-iac;

D is for dental decay and decline;

E is for eyesight, can’t read that top line!

F is for fissures and fluid retention;

G is for gas which I’d rather not mention.

H is high blood pressure – I’d rather it low;

I for incisions with scars you can show.

J is for joints, out of socket, won’t mend;

K is for knees that crack when they bend.

L is for libido, what happened to sex?

M is for memory, I forget what comes next!

N is neuralgia, in nerves way down low;

O is for osteo, the bones that don’t grow!

P for prescriptions, I have quite a few, just give me a pill and I’ll be good as new!

Q is for queasy, is it fatal or flu?

R for reflux, one meal turns to two;

T for tinnitus – there’s bells in my ears!

S for sleepless nights, counting my fears;

U is for urinary, big troubles with flow;

V is for vertigo, that’s “dizzy” you know.

W is for worry, NOW what’s going round?

X is for Xray, and what might be found.

Y is another year I’m left behind;

Z is for zest that I still have – in my mind!

I’ve survived all the symptoms, my body’s deployed

And I’m keeping 26 “doctors” fully employed!

By Avril Hilewicz

NEXT LIFE

I want to live my next life backwards!

You start out dead and get that out of the way right off the bat.

Then you wake up in a nursing home feeling better every day.

Then you get kicked out of the home for being too healthy.

You spend several years enjoying your retirement and collecting benefit checks.

Then when you start work, you get a gold watch on your first day.

You work 40 years or so, getting younger every day until pretty soon you’re too young to work.

So you go to high school: play sports, date, drink, and party.

As you get even younger, you become a kid again. You go to elementary school, you play and have no responsibilities.

In a few years you become a baby and everyone runs themselves ragged keeping you happy.

You spend your last nine months floating peacefully in luxury spa-like conditions: central heating, room service on tap.

Does it get any better than that?

DAYS OFF

I urgently need a few days off work, but I knew the boss would not allow me to take leave. I thought that if I maybe acted “CRAZY”, he would tell me to take a few days off.

So, I hung upside down on the ceiling and made funny noises. My blonde co-worker asked me what I was doing. I told her that I was pretending to be a light bulb so that the boss would think that I was “CRAZY” and give me a few days off.

A few minutes later the boss came into the office and asked, “What are you doing?” I told him I was a light bulb.

He said, “You are clearly stressed out. Go home and recuperate for a couple of days.”

I jumped down and walked out of the office.

When my co-worker (the blonde) followed me, the boss asked her “… And where do you think you’re going?”

She said, “I’m going home too, I can’t work in the dark.”

Mujibar was trying to get a job in India. The personnel manager said, “Mujibar, you have passed all the tests except one. Unless you pass it you cannot qualify for this job.”

Mujibar said, “I am ready.” The manager said, “ Make a sentence using the words yellow, pink and green.”

Mujibar thought for a few minutes and said, “Mister manager, I am ready.”

The manager said “go ahead.”

Mujibar said, “ The telephone goes green, green and I pink it up and say, ”Yellow, this is Mujibar.”

Mujibar now works as a technician at a call centre for computer problems. No doubt you have spoken to him. I know I have.

Experience is the thing you have left when everything else is gone.

I used to be indecisive. Now I’m not sure.

The cost of living hasn’t affected its popularity.

Submitted by Franks-Lehrman