Illustration by Denis Shifrin

Recently I was involved in two incidents, both common enough, and many readers may have experienced something similar. They would hardly be worthy of space in this publication, however I think these trivial episodes are more than just examples of the uglier side of daily life; they also illustrate sources of our difficulties as a nation.

Having faithfully executed the purchase of all items on the shopping list entrusted to me, I had to return to the supermarket late one Friday afternoon after my wife decided that two small essentials were still required to prepare dinner. I found the products quickly enough and headed for the checkout desk reserved for customers with eight items or less. My path to the till was blocked by a full-size cart overfilled with a supply of food and household items sufficient to maintain for a month any family blessed with multiple offspring. The cart was in the firm possession of a man in his early thirties accompanied by two charming little girls aged seven and nine, presumably his daughters.

Very politely I pointed out to this individual, that he was in the incorrect checkout line, and I asked if he would please mind making way for me and my two lemons and bottle of olive oil. His reaction was to start unloading his cart on to the checkout belt, without answering me. I raised my tone of voice just a notch, and repeated my request, to be rewarded with a rough “mind your own business…” If he thought that this would be sufficiently intimidating to dissuade me, he had clearly met the wrong protagonist.

“It is very much my business. Your flouting of normative behavior is directly affecting me. Kindly move yourself and your goods to the next checkout counter.”

(Expletive deleted).

“Tell me, when you leave here, are you going to drive on the right or the left? Society has its rules, without which we would be no better than wild animals.”

No reply.

Meantime, two or three other customers had joined our line. One remonstrated mildly with the obstructing individual, another told me not to bother with him because there was clearly no way he was going to give in. I then appealed to the checkout clerk, asking her not to accept the man’s load of products. She made an impotent sort of gesture, clearly not wanting to be part of any altercation, and said she had already started to register the items. I called out loudly for her supervisor, who came over, saw what was going on, told the offender, very mildly, that he should not have done what he did, and then said to me: “Next time he will know better…”

I responded that she was quite wrong, that next time he will know that he can get away with unacceptable behavior, and that while I could easily tolerate the extra few minutes that I would have to wait for service, I cared very much that she was incapable of maintaining order. Meantime the two little daughters were chatting together, either oblivious to what was going one or quite accustomed to the sort of scene they were witnessing. What really bothered me was that they would grow up believing that their father’s behavior was normative, and thus the ugliness would be perpetuated.

A few weeks later I visited the bank where I maintain my account. This is a small branch, where clerks sit behind desks in little open booths, and the customer sits in front of them. Those waiting their turn sit on chairs placed about two meters to the rear, thus affording a degree of privacy to the customer being served.

The clerk I wanted to see was occupied with another customer. I nodded to her, received a nodded acknowledgment and took my seat behind. A few moments later, a large, rather brutish-looking individual walked into the branch, made as if he didn’t see the people sitting waiting their turn, and stood himself at the entrance to the booth in front of me, “hovering” over the shoulder of the customer being served. As soon as the customer closed her bag and started to rise, I swiftly slid into the chair she had vacated. The man was angry: “Where did you come from? Were you off doing something else? I didn’t see you. You are taking my turn!” The clerk informed him that I was indeed the next in line. With bad grace he conceded, but then continued to stand at my shoulder, “hovering” as before. I asked him to please go and sit down, or at least move away, as I wished to conduct my business in private. He became almost apoplectic, declaimed that he would stand or sit where he liked, and that I could not tell him what to do.

I stood up immediately and gestured to the branch manager, whose office was adjacent to the row of clerks. She had heard the raised voices and approached the scene. Sensing that she might not be up to taking effective action, I gave her a look which clearly implied:  “Either you exert your authority right now, or you concede your authority to manage…period.” To her credit, she quietly but firmly intervened, and the man disappeared from my immediate environment.

Several character traits can be identified in these two minor incidents, traits which extend through our society and regrettably sometimes reach the level of ministers and other decision makers. First, the selfish or greedy pursuit of individual desires, ignoring anyone who might interfere with their immediate satisfaction. Second is the unwillingness to recognize any narrative other than one’s own. Third, a strong aversion to admitting when one is in the wrong. Next, when confronted with any objection, the tendency to dig in and refuse to concede, based on the belief that concession is a sign of weakness.  Fifth, and the corollary of that, is a preference to avoid confrontation for reasons of fear, timidity, or laziness. Sixth, the extent to which hurt pride or an imagined insult to personal honor can motivate individuals and groups up to and including the taking of major political decisions. And finally, lack of appreciation that the smallest of incidents can have far-reaching consequences, be it a minor traffic infringement provoking an explosion of road rage and murder, the insult to an ambassador seated by his hosts in a low-level chair causing a rupture in international relations, or how a shot fired at Sarajevo by an extreme nationalist led directly to world war.

Is the micro-failure of the supermarket supervisor to confront the bully when she knew full well what was the right thing to do but preferred to opt for peace and quiet, so different from the macro-failure of the authorities to confront and punish the excesses of those who uproot olive trees and set fire to mosques? Is uncivilized behavior in the supermarket or the bank less antisocial than reckless driving on the highway? Is pushing to the front and shouldering others aside not dissimilar to ignoring the fact that there are non-Jewish minorities in this country entitled to basic human rights? I suspect that my protagonist in the supermarket will continue to behave in the same way because he got away with it. I can only image how the obnoxious fellow in the bank who didn’t get away with it, vented his anger on leaving the premises. However, if they were to be faced down repeatedly by people who refuse to accept this sort of behavior, maybe something would change.

There are many in our weary Western democracies, including here in Israel, who have given up, who do not believe that individual action can make a difference. They avoid confrontation, either excusing their own timidity with the homily “live and let live”, or because they have been seduced by the false gods of ultra-liberalism and multi-culturalism. They have abandoned the stage to the boor and the extremist. If those who feel that they have a sense of how responsible members of society should behave will only stand up and actively defend values they know to be universal and right, hopefully we will eventually get to a better place than we as a nation find ourselves in right now. Manners not only maketh man, they also maketh good foreign policy, good domestic policy and a good country to live in.