To be Israeli is to start honking your horn when the light turns yellow.
A real Israeli will buy a shirt for 300 shekels, jeans for 600 shekels, but if he loses a shekel in the candy machine, the whole mall will be in an uproar.
To be Israeli is to taste all the olives in the supermarket and not buy any at all in the end.
Only an Israeli will stomp on a cockroach and yell, “Die you dog!”
Only an Israeli will call his friend at home and ask him, “Where are you?”
My cellphone fell from the third floor and broke. Turns out Flight Mode is not what I thought…
Grandma dear, you don’t have to wet your fingertips every time you look through the photos on the cellphone…
I can’t understand why the electric company wastes so much money on advertising. What, if I’m not happy with them, I’m gonna switch to batteries?
Only when you put something in the microwave to heat up, do you discover how many things you can get done in 50 seconds…
What is this thing about a round pizza, being served in a square carton, then cut into triangles?
He who walks erectly with his head raised – has no I-phone.
A friend was in front of me coming out of the synagogue one day, and as always the Rabbi was standing at the door shaking hands as the congregation departed.
He grabbed my friend by the hand and pulled him aside.
The Rabbi said to him, “You need to join the Army of G-d!”
My friend replied, “I’m already in the Army of G-d, Rabbi.”
Rabbi questioned, “How come I don't see you except for Rosh Hashanah and Yom Kippur?”
He whispered back, “I’m in the Secret Service.”
On Rosh Hashanah, in the ceremony called Tashlich, Jews traditionally go to the ocean (or a stream or river), pray, and then throw bread crumbs onto the water, for the fish can symbolically eat their sins. Some people have been known to ask what kind of bread crumbs should they throw. Here is a sampling:
For ordinary sins, use White Bread
For exotic sins. French Bread
For particularly dark sins Pumpernickel
For complex sins Multigrain
For twisted sins Pretzel
For tasteless sins Rice Cakes
For sins of indecision Waffles
For sins committed in haste Matzo
For sins committed
in less than eighteen minutes Shmurah Matzo
For sins of chutzpah Fresh Bread
For excessive use of irony Rye Bread
For telling bad jokes Corn Bread
For hardening our hearts Jelly Doughnuts
For being money hungry Enriched Bread or Raw Dough
For warmongering Kaiser Rolls
For immodest dressing Tarts
For causing injury
or damage to others Tortes
For promiscuity Hot Buns
For racism Crackers
For sophisticated racism Ritz Crackers
For davening (praying) off tune Flat Bread
For being holier than thou Bagels
For unfairly upbraiding another Challah
For indecent photography Cheesecake
For trashing the environment Dumplings
Reb Nachman, a pious Jew and a golf addict, awoke early on a crisp, cool morning. It was a perfect day for a round of golf but, unfortunately, it was also Yom Kippur.
After a great struggle with his conscience, he decided that he could squeeze in a few quick holes before going to services, so he walked to the course, took his clubs out of his locker, and headed for the first tee. Meanwhile, HaShem saw what was going on, called Moses over and said, “Reb Nachman should know better than to play golf on Yom Kippur. We should teach him a lesson he'll never forget”. Moses replied “Yes, I think I know just how to do it, leave everything to me”, and HaShem agreed.
So, on the first hole, Reb Nachman shots a birdie, on the second hole he shots an eagle, and on the third hole he got a hole in one. HaShem called Moses and said “I thought you were going to punish Reb Nachman and here you are letting him shoot the best round of golf of his life”. Then Moses said to HaShem “Yes, but to whom will he brag about it?”
One Rosh Hashanah morning, the Rabbi noticed little Adam was staring up at the large plaque that hung in the foyer of the synagogue. It was covered with names, and small flags were mounted on either side of it. The seven-year old had been staring at the plaque for some time, so the Rabbi walked up, stood beside the boy, and said quietly, “Good morning, Adam.”
“Good morning, Rabbi,” replied the young man, still focused on the plaque.
“Rabbi Resnick, what is this?” Adam asked.
“Well, it’s a memorial to all the young men and women who died in the service.” Soberly, they stood together, staring at the large plaque.
Little Adam's voice was barely audible when he asked:
“Rosh Hashanah or Yom Kippur?”
Said one man to the other after the Rabbi’s Yom Kippur sermon on the congregation’s myriad of sins: “Well, at least I haven't made any graven images.”