It is not surprising that groups are a powerful influence on us. We spend our lives as members of one sort of group or the other.

We are in a family group from birth and we stay in that first family group forever in a sense, even if the others are no longer alive and we may go on to create new families of our own.

We are in groups at school both officially and unofficially.

We deliberately attach ourselves to some groups... and unknowingly we are part of some groups according to other people's definitions.

There are fun groups, old friend groups and groups we would rather not be a part of. They can hurt us or even damage us.

There are also support groups which can give us new perspectives on our lives and let us grow in maturity and confidence, which is why in the helping professions we have found groups to be so effective.

The ESRA group of counselors, which has now been meeting for three years, relies for most of its training on learning and experimenting in group sessions.  Now we are recognizing a need for offering group support for people who have been troubled by the experience of loss or the need to face change or who are feeling some sense of unhappiness which they cannot shake off. Change is, of course, an inevitable part of our lives but is often difficult to deal with.

Sometimes after years of coping effectively with a number of life's transitions (childhood, school, higher education,  peer groups, relationships, marriage, aliya, bereavement) people can be thrown by a small incident or change which shakes them out of all proportion and presents a challenge that is unexpectedly painful.

For some reason this comparatively and easily foreseen event plunges them into a depression and anxiety which overwhelms them, and they find it hard to negotiate the mixture of feelings and impossible to understand why the techniques which led them out of previous painful experiences do not seem to help them now.

This really does happen very often. I know - it happened to me.

I thought I had sorted myself out after being widowed and, after all, I was a 'professional' with years of experience. Then – wham - something very small triggered off a reaction completely out of all proportion and completely overwhelming.

 I was really fortunate. I was surrounded by caring and helpful people who understood why I had overreacted and how I could regain my resilience, slowly and with support.

Sometimes, however, and for some of us, there is less good fortune. This is where counselor-led support groups are so valuable.

Although the issues may be different for each participant, learning about each other and working together on some shared issues with skilled guidance really does help.

May I give a fictional example of this?

James was a successful businessman during his working life and when he retired was able to give his skill and energy to his local golf club and to helping out in a local hospital. These two regular activities, the support of his two daughters and old friends helped him through the sad death of his wife of 47 years and enabled him to move on and make adjustments.

Then suddenly he became unaccountably anxious and nervous. His doctor could find no physical reason for his state and after a time it seemed to him that his family and friends became impatient with his condition and expected him to 'pull himself together'.

He finally  called  the helpline of a counselling service to whom he had been recommended but found himself unable to clearly articulate what he saw as 'the problem'. The skilled person to whom he spoke suggested that a general support group was about to be formed and maybe he would be interested in joining.

He agreed somewhat apprehensively to go along. The two women who led the group were very low- key but encouraged the participants to introduce themselves and their lives in any way and at whatever level they wanted in the confidence that this was completely confidential.

At first James felt he was getting little out of the experience apart from meeting interesting people, some of whom had shared very openly painful experiences, and tools of survival. Then to his surprise he began to find it very rewarding.

He  began to see that maybe he had attempted to recover too quickly from the death of his wife, maybe he had thrown  himself too readily into social activities and not really allowed himself to recognize what his retirement may have meant to him and what he might have lost as a result. He then also began to allow himself to wonder if it had been the comparatively trivial incident when he had not been invited to be on the social committee of the golf club for the next year (having been previously very much involved) which had sparked off this emotional reaction. It seemed a small disappointment at the time but maybe it was like a replay of past losses which shook his sense of security and self esteem and reminded him in a very basic and frightening way of the greater losses which he had sustained previously.

Looking at it like this and exploring the implications with the group leaders and the other members of the group in a safe and empowering place, helped him come to a clearer understanding of his emotional response and the unhappiness which he thought he had successfully negotiated.  He began to feel a renewed confidence and peace of mind and to his surprise he found a new strength in helping other members of the group reevaluate their experiences.

Perhaps you are feeling stuck in a difficult situation or frame of mind?

Perhaps you are puzzled by feelings of depression and anxiety and cannot understand where they have come from and why they overwhelm you?                                 

Maybe a group could help you or someone you know and care about?

The ESRA counsellors offer both individual and group counseling and can be reached via coordinator Susan 052 698 9088, or the Raanana office 09 748 2957.

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