Anger gets a bad rap and rarely gets the respect it deserves. We may not yearn for it the way we do excitement, happiness or love, but we need it no less. Like laughter or love, anger is an authentic expression of our wants, needs and feelings. Anger protects us: it signals that someone is trespassing on our territory, hurting our feelings, or threatening something or someone we care about. Anger guides us: it makes us more aware of our needs and rights and pushes us to assert ourselves and take short or long term action to make changes in our lives and relationships. That is why it is so important that we acknowledge and express it. Yet, with all this, anger still isn’t greatly appreciated. This is probably because when we’re hurt and angry, our judgement gets clouded and we tend to react reflexively, sometimes hurting ourselves or others.

People have different styles of handling anger and conflict. Some have a short fuse, are very expressive, raise their voices and “get it all out” intensely. Others quietly close up, seething inside, punishing others in silence. Still others tend to acquiesce, avoiding conflict at all costs. Most of us associate anger problems with people who go into rages, turn red in the face, scream and throw or break things. Interestingly, research has shown that those who hold anger in have a lot in common with people who rage on the outside: they both tend to have more relationship problems, less social support, greater likelihood of health problems including heart disease, compromised immune system, and ultimately a higher likelihood of meeting an early death. In the end, we probably didn’t need hundreds of thousands of dollars of scientific research to prove what Buddha said 2000 years ago: that holding on to anger and resentment is like holding onto a hot coal with the intention of throwing it at someone else; in the end you are the one who gets burned. There is not one correct way to express anger; what is crucial is that one acknowledges one’s pain and anger, and communicates it to others in ways they can understand and respond to.

When we choose to share our lives with the one we love, we are inheriting a set of strengths and good qualities that will nourish and compliment us. But we also inevitably inherit a set of differences and problems that we will be grappling with for the next ten, twenty or fifty years. Some of these problems are more easily resolved while others are not. In fact, experts say more than half of all couple problems are not actually solvable. Some common examples are: one partner wants more children, sex, romance or communication than the other, one is more neat, or one is more strict or loose with children. These problems will test a couple’s ability to cope with differences, deal with conflict, listen to and accept criticism, express their anger appropriately, and hopefully to maintain a sense of humor. The tensions from these differences may mobilize strengths and help the couple to grow or, conversely, bring out the worst in them and erode the basis of the relationship.

The good news is that for a couple to be happy they don’t have to solve or agree on all of their problems. In fact, it is healthy for a couple to grapple, disagree and get angry with one another. What we often forget in the heat of an argument is that what will remain is not the decision that was made, but the imprint the interaction makes on the relationship. Do we come out feeling heard and acknowledged, or hurt, guilty or misunderstood? Often, rather than engaging in constructive dialogue, our goal becomes to be “right”, to “win” or to get in the last word, Successful arguing isn't about being right as much as feeling all right about the outcome. Since a couple’s fate is interlocked, only a joint/mutual win or loss is possible.

As a therapist, I really worry when a couple says “we never argue”. There are a number of reasons partners may not fight: fear of the destructive power of one’s anger, fear of damaging the relationship or fear of abandonment. When a partner avoids expressing anger he or she is sacrificing a part of him or herself to protect the relationship. This may decrease conflict for the moment, but in the long run will erode intimacy, deaden the relationship and kill desire. This follows a basic principle that one can’t pick and choose when expressing emotion: if you suppress anger you also suppress the ability to love freely.

This explains why make-up sex can be so powerful. Fighting often centers us: it causes us to connect with our feelings and to assert ourselves. It emboldens us and leaves us feeling entitled to our needs and highlights our separateness from our partner. All of these can increase erotic tension and intimate connection.

Couples who achieve “successful” relationships by neutralizing discomfort, conflict and pain miss out and in effect create an emotional divorce. A healthy relationship is vital and alive, and is experienced as interesting, challenging and enlivening; not boring, tiring or depleting. Couples need not be afraid of differences; conflicts can become opportunities to engage in dialogue and to develop both as individuals and as a couple. There is no simple recipe for handling couple conflict. What is crucial is that we constructively negotiate differences with mutual respect. Remember, when the dust settles what remains is less the outcome of an argument than how we treated one another.

Eli Karlen is a clinical psychologist and certified sex therapist who works in Nofit and Carmiel.