Author: Dr. Daniel Gottlieb

Publishers: Contento De Semrik, Tel Aviv, 2012. 112 pages.

Available in hardcover or e-book from www.machonshinue.co.il NIS 95.

Reviewed by Jacqueline Galgut

We have to learn to navigate our way through the many obstacles we encounter on our journey through life, in the best way possible.

One huge and frequent obstacle experienced by many is divorce. Divorce is never an easy process, and often with all the anger and pain that comes with it, the children’s feelings are either unintentionally ignored or not attended to adequately. No one asks the children what they think about the divorce. In his book, Listen to Me! Your Child and Your Divorce, Dr Daniel Gottlieb reminds us of this.

The book is written through the voice of a child, and by using this technique it is hoped it will reach parents on an emotional level and help them to better understand children’s emotional experiences throughout the process of divorce and post divorce. The book guides parents, children and professionals through this journey and gives an excellent account of issues which crop up before and during the divorce  and continue even after it.  Having to move or relocate; visitation; having two homes; meeting new partners, and important occasions like bar mitzvahs and weddings are all covered in this book.

Children need both of their parents to be a part of their lives without the conflict and the tension, and this is portrayed sensitively in the book.

In the first part of the book, parents are reminded how damaging fighting can be for children. As the child in the book so clearly expresses:

“When you fight 

I feel like crying 

I don’t know who is right 

And, to tell you the truth, I don’t really care 

When you say unkind things about each other 

I feel hurt and confused 

I don’t like hearing bad things about my parent, 

And if Dad really is a “lowlife” 

and disgusting 

(and other things that I am embarrassed to repeat) 

then what does that say about me, his son?” 

As a social worker who counsels couples pre and post divorce, I would highly recommend this book. Parents can confront difficult truths about divorce by reading about children’s anger and confusion as well as their hopes and wishes. They can gain insight into a child’s view of divorce, and can therefore help not only themselves but also their children to cope with the process of divorce, thus making it easier for all concerned.

This book is also helpful for children to read (from about ten years of age - which is the age of the child in the book). Children cannot always put their feelings into words, and reading about it can help validate their feelings and also let them know that they are not the only ones who have these feelings.  Therefore, it also provides them with comfort, especially those children who cannot express themselves. Reading about these issues can encourage and help communication. Professionals should also read the book if only just to remind them that the children are not always doing just fine or that they do not just adjust to any situation.

Too many times children are used as weapons to hit back at a partner, or they are asked to make impossible choices or decisions. As parents we need to be the responsible ones. As quoted by the child in the book:

“You are the adults. We are the children. You have to take care of us. Don’t expect us to take care of you.” 

Dr Daniel Gottlieb is a clinical psychologist and family therapist in Israel, where he serves as the director of Clinical Services at the Shinui Institute: The Israeli Institute for Systematic Studies, Family and Personal Change in Herzliya. He is often appointed by the courts as a custody evaluator and parent coordinator.