Photo: James Emery via Wikimedia Commons

I finally got my money's worth from the weighty Merck Manual of Health. Heretofore I was using it to get the perfect trouser crease and keep open doors from slamming shut. But now the powers-that-be have released the medical records of our leading politicians. I readied the index at Exotic Tropical diseases, and all the five-syllable maladies. But no, everything released for public dissemination was quite ordinary. I, for one, was vastly disappointed.

Let's start with the first item – the size and girth of the politician. Is anyone surprised that the higher the rank of the politician, the wider his body frame? As Machiavelli once stated: “Plate equals State.” And remember what Shakespeare said about Cassius – ". . . lean and hungry." If success is wedded to weight, why lose those kilos? After all, a thin representative of the people gets lost in the shuffle, casts no shadow, carries no weight in a discussion, cannot throw his weight around, etc. Look at the Japanese politicians – skin and bones – but of course their parliament is called the Diet. Well, you get the idea.

Now to some of the other statistics released by the official spokesman of the Knesset:

More than 99% of the politicians who serve as the peoples' voice have physical ailments.

100 members of the Knesset have foot problems, which have been traced back to toeing the line, standing at receptions continual dancing of the salsa, debka and hora. Of course, since we, the public, have had to foot the bill for so many years, we are also in dire need of orthopedic treatment.

93 members of the Knesset have back problems. Was it Dr. Leakey who said that man's problems began when he stood up? No, no, I am not comparing our revered representatives with monkeys or monkey business. I do recall once seeing an engraved motto over a Knesset meeting room –“Watch Your Back.” That probably best explains the origin of a politician's neck dislocation.

88 Knesset members suffer from baldness. While this is not strictly a medical problem, massages and hairpieces are recognized by the State Auditor as office expenses. Hats off, or should I say on, to the religious parties; a large kippah or black hat gives the ultra-orthodox politicians an easy solution to the problem and saves the state money.

105 Knesset members have hearing problems. I'll leave you to guess what they can't hear. This medical problem cuts across party lines.

120 (the full house) Knesset members suffer from extreme claustrophobia of their immediate surroundings. The symptoms are extreme irritation, excessive television appearances, and continuing quotable idiocies. This affects their work and the stability of the nation.

1 Knesset member (anonymous) responded to a questionnaire with the statement that the "Green Line" was for goods free of customs duties. Sadly, the only effective medication is a prolonged vacation out of the country.

Finally the medical records released for our edification and consternation all point to one physical condition shared by elected officials and appointed officials. It is a condition that has affected all governmental appointees, with no exceptions. Sadly, there is no cure. The most common and widespread medical problem among those who serve us is: memory lapse.