Cohen and Katz used to play cards every day in a coffee house. One day they quarreled, and Katz called out, "What kind of a guy can you be if you sit down every day to play cards with a guy who sits down to play cards with a guy like you?”

It was a dark and stormy night, and Mendelson, an old man, knew that the end was near. “Call a priest,” he said to his wife, “and tell him to come right away.”

“The priest? Max, you’re delirious. You mean the rabbi!” his wife replied.

"No," said Mendelson, "I mean the priest. Why disturb the rabbi on a night like this?”

After an hour of standing in line at the bank, Chaim was furious. “I hate all this waiting,” he shouted to his wife. “I’m leaving. I’m gonna kill Ben Gurion.” An hour later he returned to the bank. “What happened?” asked his wife, who was still waiting in line.

“Nothing,” said the unhappy man. “There was a longer line over there.”

A rabbi is walking down the street in Jerusalem when a fifty shekel note falls out of his pocket. Horrified, one of his disciples asks him, “Rabbi, how can you violate the commandment against carrying money on Shabbas?”

The rabbi replies, as he bends to pick up the cash, “Oh, this? You call this money?” 

A disciple once jokingly asked Rabbi Brown, a reform rabbi, whether the Messiah would be Orthodox, Conservative or Reform. The rabbi thought for a brief moment and answered, “Orthodox. That way everyone will eat in his house.”

Jewish variations on the light bulb jokes, beginning with the all-time classic:

How many Jewish mothers does it take to change a light bulb?  None. “It’s alright, I’ll sit in the dark.”

How many Lubavitchers does it take? Three – one to screw it in and two to convince everyone else to do it.

How many Satmarers does it take? Two – one to screw it in and another to denounce it as a Zionist plot.

How many Zionists does it take? Four – one to stay home and convince someone else to do it, a second to donate the bulb, a third to screw it in, and a fourth to proclaim that the Jewish people stand behind their actions.

From The Big Book of Jewish Humor

When Insults Had Class
"He can compress the most words into the smallest idea of any man I know."
 Abraham Lincoln
"I've had a perfectly wonderful evening. But this wasn't it."
Groucho Marx
"I didn't attend the funeral, but I sent a nice letter saying I approved of it."
 Mark Twain
"He has no enemies, but is intensely disliked by his friends."
 Oscar Wilde
"There's nothing wrong with you that reincarnation won't cure."
Jack E. Leonard
"His mother should have thrown him away and kept the stork."
 Mae West
"Some cause happiness wherever they go; others, whenever they go."
 Oscar Wilde
"He has Van Gogh's ear for music."
 Billy Wilder