The roundest knight at King Arthur's round table was Sir Cumference.  He acquired his size from too much pie.  
She was only a whisky maker but he loved her still      
A rubber band pistol was confiscated from algebra class because it was a weapon of math disruption          
The butcher backed into the meat grinder and got a little behind in his work          
No matter how much you push the envelope it'll still be stationery           
A dog gave birth to puppies near the road and was cited for littering  
Two silkworms had a race. They ended up in a tie        
A hole has been found in the nudist camp wall The police are looking into it: 
Atheism is a non prophet organization. 
A small boy swallowed some coins and was taken to a hospital.
The short fortune teller who escaped from prison was a small medium at large.
The man who survived mustard gas and pepper spray is now a seasoned veteran. 
A backward poet writes inverse. 
In democracy it's your vote that counts.     
In feudalism it's your count that votes.
When cannibals ate a missionary they got a taste of religion.

Funny Quotes by Dave Barry:
People who want to share their religious views with you almost never want you to share yours with them.

Camping is nature's way of promoting the motel business.

If you have a big enough dictionary, just about everything is a word. 

The real threat to whales is whaling, which has endangered many whale species.

Scientists now believe that the primary biological function of breasts is to make males stupid.

Have you noticed that whatever sport you're trying to learn, some earnest person is always telling you to keep your knees bent?

You can only be young once. But you can always be immature.

Gravity is a contributing factor in nearly 73 % of all accidents involving falling objects.

Auto racing is boring except when a car is going at least 172 miles per hour upside down.

Fishing is boring, unless you catch an actual fish, and then it is disgusting.

The word user is the word used by the computer professionals when they mean idiot.

A gene can be either dominant or recessive, depending on which type of gene it is.

Thus the metric system did not really catch on in the States, unless you count the increasing popularity of the nine-millimeter bullet.

We journalists make it a point to know very little about an extremely wide variety of topics; this is how we stay objective..

Although golf was originally restricted to wealthy, overweight Protestants, today it's open to anybody who owns hideous clothing.

If God had wanted us to be concerned for the plight of the toads, he would have made them cute and furry.