Illustration by Denis Shifrin

WHAT IS A GRANDPARENT?

Taken from papers written by a class of 8-year-olds.  

• Grandparents are a lady and a man who have no little children of their own. They like other people's.
• A grandfather is a man, and a grandmother is a lady.
• Grandparents don't have to do anything except be there when we come to see them.
• They are so old they shouldn't play hard or run. It is good if they drive us to the shops and give us money.
• When they take us for walks, they slow down past things like pretty leaves and caterpillars.
• They show us and talk to us about the colors of the flowers and also why we shouldn't step on 'cracks.'
• They don't say, 'Hurry up.'
• Usually grandmothers are fat but not too fat to tie your shoes.
• They wear glasses and funny underwear.
• They can take their teeth and gums out.
• Grandparents don't have to be smart.
• They have to answer questions like 'Why isn't God married?' and 'How come dogs chase cats?'
• When they read to us, they don't skip. They don't mind if we ask for the same story over again.
• Everybody should try to have a grandmother, especially if you don't have television because they are the only grownups who like to spend time with us.
• They know we should have snack time before bed time, and they say prayers with us and kiss us even when we've acted bad.
• A 6-year-old was asked where his grandmother lived. ''Oh,'' he said, ''she lives at the airport, and when we want her, we just go get her. Then when we’re done having her visit, we take her back to the airport.”
• Grandpa is the smartest man on earth! He teaches me good things, but I don’t get to see him enough to get as smart as him!
• It's funny when they bend over; they fart, and they blame their dog.

Dave Barry’s Tips on Looking Young 

• Delay puberty for as long as possible.
• Get plenty of sleep. Your body does not age when you are sleeping.
• Avoid medical care. The CAT in CAT scanners stands for “ComputerizedAutomaticThingthatwillfindsomethingwrongwithyounomatterhowgood youfeel.”
• Learn to manage stress. When someone is complaining vehemently about a problem and demands you do something about it, the Stress Management Approach recommended by Harvard is, “I’m sorry you’re having trouble with your product. Why don’t you stick it up your backside?”
• Just look at yourself in the mirror and say in an unconcerned way: “You’re getting older. It's a natural part of life, and its okay!” Then shoot the mirror. 

Some of the things learned over the past 50 years

• People who feel the need to tell you they have an excellent sense of humor are telling you they have no sense of humor. 
• The most valuable function performed by government is entertainment. 
• The actual value of advertisement is that it tells you the exact opposite of what the advertiser actually thinks. For example: If Coke and Pepsi spend billions of dollars to convince you that there are significant differences between these two products, both companies realize that they are virtually identical.
• If Nike advertisements strongly suggest that Nike shoes enable athletes to perform amazing feats, they basically want you to disregard the fact that shoe brand is unrelated to athletic ability. And so on. 
• If G-d, who created the entire universe with all of its glories, decides to deliver a message to humanity, He will not use, as His messenger, a person on cable TV with a bad hairstyle. 
• You should not confuse your career with your life. 
• No matter what happens, somebody will find a way to take it too seriously.
• Nobody cares if you can’t dance well. Just get up and dance.

Our finale for pun lovers is the winner of this vile puns contest: Vile Puns Winner -Joe Wyatt, Amarillo, TX

"Detective Kodiak plucked a single hair from the bearskin rug and at once understood the grisly nature of the crime: it had been a ferocious act, a real honey, the sort of thing that could polarize a community, so he padded quietly out the back to avoid a cub reporter waiting in the den."