Illustration by Denis Shifrin

Overheard: a man complaining about how smokers have it hard, having to go outside in the rain, wind, heat and sweat to light up. He summed it all up by stating, “We smokers are a dying breed.”  

Well put, sir, well put!

My family is making more of a fuss over my niece graduating kindergarten than they did when I graduated college. Let’s see what kind of job she gets with a diploma made from macaroni art.

Ruminations

• I say “ouch” even before I'm sure that I’m hurt … just in case.

• I’m not that hard to get along with; it’s just that I can’t stand 95% of the population.
• While I don’t prefer to learn things the hard way, I can’t argue with the effectiveness of the method.
• You do realize that your runner’s euphoria is your body telling you how happy it is you didn’t die?
• I understand welcome mats, but why aren’t there “get out of my house” mats? Doors work both ways.
• Nostalgia is amnesia of the bad and memory of the good.
• Never trust a woman who uses a baby voice to talk to anything other than a baby.
• Why does the waitress expect a bigger tip when the meal was more expensive?  Was it more effort to bring me a steak than it was to bring me a hamburger?
• Grocery shopping for one person involves way more flirting with expiry dates than I anticipated.
• The quickest way to lose all faith in humanity is to read the "comments" section for almost anything on the internet.

Ah, Children…

“A 2-year-old is like having a blender, but you don’t have a top for it.” Jerry Seinfeld

“There was a time when we expected nothing from our children but obedience, as opposed to the present, when we expect everything from them but obedience.”

Anatole Broyard

“The way we know our kids are growing up: the bite marks are higher.”

Phyllis Diller

“The thing that impresses me most about Israel is the way parents obey their children.”

Anonymous Paraphrase

“We’ve begun to long for the pitter patter of little feet, so we bought a dog. Well, it’s cheaper, and you get more feet.”

Rita Rudner

“There are three terrible ages of childhood – 1 to 10, 10 to 20, and 20 to 30.”

Cleveland Armory

“Never have children, only grandchildren.”

Gore Vidal

“The secret of dealing successfully with a child is not to be its parent.” Mel Lazarus

And – Zei Gesunt!

I’ve got a wonderful doctor. If you can’t afford the operation, he touches up the X-rays.

Henny Youngman

I had a chest X-ray last month and they found a spot on my lung. Fortunately, it was barbecue sauce.

George Carlin

The pain-relieving ingredient, there’s always got to be a lot of that. Nobody wants anything less than Extra-Strength. “Give me a maximum allowable human dosage. Figure out what will kills me, then back off a little bit.”

Jerry Seinfeld

I’m addicted to placebos. I’d give them up, but it wouldn’t make any difference.

Jay Leno

It’s silly for a woman to go to a male gynecologist. It’s like going to an auto mechanic who never owned a car.

Carrie Snow

One of the most difficult things to contend with in a hospital is that assumption on the part of the staff that because you have lost your gall bladder, you have also lost your mind.

Jean Kerr

Health nuts are going to feel stupid some day, lying in hospitals, dying of nothing.

Redd Foxx

A hospital is no place to be sick.

Samuel Goldwyn

We welcome submissions to the humor column. Your name will appear if your joke is chosen for print. Please send to Jennia at: ganitcoach@gmail.com